Confronting Myself: Hot Girl Turned Warm

I’ve been struggling with being alone lately. My alone has been feeling more like loneliness.
And in my loneliness, I’ve longed for romantic comfort, affection, assurance, and loving support.
I have been wanting to know that everything will be okay because it’s honestly not feeling like that right now.
In my loneliness I’ve sought out temporary highs and feel good moments only to feel lonelier afterwards.
I don’t want temporary anymore and I have to also show that in my actions.
As soothing and comforting as the temporary feel goods are in the moment, I only end up wanting more.
Knowing that I can’t have more hurts me. I don’t want to feel that kind of hurt anymore.

“Accountability goes both ways…”

I am no longer emotionally unavailable.
I’m ready for something long term, commitment, and God willing marriage.
I have learned that I do myself a disservice when I allow a man close to me who isn't ready to or doesn't have intentions for long term commitment.
I also do myself a disservice when I’m not upfront with what I’m looking for; accountability goes both ways.
I do myself more of a disservice when I don’t set and maintain boundaries around my heart due to what I’m ready for; this is a truth I’ve been avoiding to accept.

“Examining emotional capacity is necessary…”

While this has been a necessary confrontation with myself, I share it publicly because this is a lot of my peers’ current reality.
As we grow older, our romantic desires change and get stronger.
Examining our capacity for our desires and emotional capacity becomes necessary.
More importantly, examining our capacity to manage the desires and emotional capacity of others is crucial.
The outcome of these examinations will ultimately reveal the necessary actions we must make to protect our hearts and those we care about.
Sometimes those actions come in the form of abrupt cease of communication and/or boundaries being created.
Regardless of the action, the intention is to protect ourselves and those we care about.
The intentions are good, the experience feels painful, but the outcome is growth.

I am still healing through feelings of rejection and abandonment I’ve experienced in the past.
This season of examination is painful,
and it’s difficult to resist leaning into a temporary moment of feeling good.
What I have to keep reminding myself, "Your growth is dependent on you making different decisions, if you want different results." I can't run from this, I have to sit with it.

For everyone else, wherever you are in your growth journey,
continuously examine yourself and surroundings.
Don't avoid it, examine it.
It will be painful but there's growth on the other side.

Photo by Stanislav Kondratiev on Unsplash

Is Your Situationship the Best Situation?

Somehow, some way the dreaded question of what you and him or you and her are doing comes up. 

"We're chillin, going with the flow."

Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and you two are still “going with the flow.” Sporadic conversations and linking up becomes routine. You're now looking forward to seeing your person of interest. Every time your phone buzzes you’re hoping it’s him or her. Bruh, you damn near got it bad, secretly sobbing in harmony wondering if your situationship will ever turn into a relationship.

At the blink of an eye, another person or two or three gets added to your chill going with the flow situation.

You’re now fighting your conscience because you thought only you and this person were “going with the flow.” Now, you’re lowkey looking and feeling crazy, dealing with friend’s side eyeing you. The apathy of “It is what it is” has changed to “yeah but” while the ball of frustration starts rolling in the deep of your guts; you’re Ne-Yo so sick.

Here you are wondering how you’ve arrived to this Marvin’s room place.

Contemplating, “Is he Lawrencing me?!” “Am I Tasha?!”

Before you dive deeper into your feelings, let’s reroute and pinpoint the exact moment you played yourself.

1. Know yourself

Situationships, friends with benefits, cutty buddy whichever non committed relationship term you prefer isn’t for the faint hearted. You have to be secure in yourself and where you are in your particular stage in life to even consider this method of interaction. If you’re in a hurt and confused place (aka on the rebound), hit up my girl Iyanla Vanzant to fix your life.

In all seriousness, sometimes knowing yourself is knowing when to be solitary. Giving yourself the time to process feelings allows you to learn yourself. Honoring your internal cues opens the door for honest communication with yourself and others. It’s a disservice to allow anyone into your cluttered thought life. Take the time to learn you without needing someone else to fill a void. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Know yourself.

2. Let’s just be honest, let’s just be real

Let’s be honest, let’s be real, we ALL know the deal! You don’t actually want a vague pseudo romantic relationship. You’re a hopeless romantic thinking “savage” is your lifestyle. It’s not in your DNA to juggle multiple at a time. You’re also not the best communicator, so lying your way through this will cause more chaos than peace. Be real with yourself and the other person. Save everyone else subtweets and say what’s on your chest homie!

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Whether you’re a Lawrence or a Tasha, honest communication is key in all branches of relationship. If you’re in “savage mode” or on a “hoe-tation,” clearly state that. On the opposite hand, if you’re really wanting exclusivity or a relationship don’t lie to yourself just to have a space filler. Which brings me back to #1, once we stop using the presence of others as a high to self-medicate our struggles of loneliness, insecurity, self-doubt, and lack of self-worth, we can then began the process of self-discovery.

It’s time we unpack what we’re actually saying when we choose to deny ourselves of our true desires and settle for the consolation prize. We are beings with inherent desires to form intimate bonds with others. Sex can only be casual for so long. 

What is it that keeps us in a situationship we’d rather not be in?

Is it the fear of being alone longer than wanted?

Do we fear being alone with ourselves?

Are we afraid of the unhealthy baggage we might unpack if we’re alone for too long?

Maybe that’s exactly what we should be doing. Choosing self-discovery over irresponsibly filling our void with someone else. Trust, if you can’t and don’t want to deal with yourself, no one else will either. Regardless of which end of the situationship you’re in know yourself, be honest and real… Is this a healthy decision for you?

Nora's Dilemma

Her flesh and spirit are in a never ending war- exhausted. 
She steps back to watch the chaos unfold. 
A casualty to herself, to her flesh...Split it wide open, too weak to die daily.
The Spirit doesn't feel enough at times; insufficient. Blinded by her own desires, conflicted.
Which does she love more? Which does she want more?
Flesh?
Spirit?
Where does she find true fulfilling comfort?

She enjoys his presence but the shit is tiring. Even when they're just chillin shootin the shits, she thinks he's the shit. 
Part of her feels like this is it, she wants it to be it. Because to be honest, she's tired of the shits. 
Her energy, excitement has been drained from dealing with the fuck shit. It's hard for her to leave him alone.

She feels like she can't get away from him. Her memories are stained with thoughts of him. 
She tried to drink him away, pray him away, sex him away... wrote his name on blunts to smoke him away.
She attempts to focus on herself but he's the shadows of all the moves she makes.

She's starting to believe that she can't- shouldn't be around men.
They gravitate to her like ants to a picnic on a summer's day; 
Bees to flowers;
Traveler's returning to a well to be filled;
America, stripping her of her wealth for their own gain;
Reaping and never sowing;
Dry bones, she's emaciated
Thieves walking away full; plentiful with stolen goods

Nora's flesh and spirit are in a never ending war- exhausted. 
She steps back to watch the chaos unfold. 
A casualty to herself, to her flesh...Split it wide open, too weak to die daily.
The Spirit doesn't feel enough at times; insufficient. Blinded by her own desires, conflicted.
Which does she love more? Which does she want more?
Flesh?
Spirit?
Where does she find true fulfilling comfort?