Somehow, some way the dreaded question of what you and him or you and her are doing comes up.
"We're chillin, going with the flow."
Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and you two are still “going with the flow.” Sporadic conversations and linking up becomes routine. You're now looking forward to seeing your person of interest. Every time your phone buzzes you’re hoping it’s him or her. Bruh, you damn near got it bad, secretly sobbing in harmony wondering if your situationship will ever turn into a relationship.
At the blink of an eye, another person or two or three gets added to your chill going with the flow situation.
You’re now fighting your conscience because you thought only you and this person were “going with the flow.” Now, you’re lowkey looking and feeling crazy, dealing with friend’s side eyeing you. The apathy of “It is what it is” has changed to “yeah but” while the ball of frustration starts rolling in the deep of your guts; you’re Ne-Yo so sick.
Here you are wondering how you’ve arrived to this Marvin’s room place.
Contemplating, “Is he Lawrencing me?!” “Am I Tasha?!”
Before you dive deeper into your feelings, let’s reroute and pinpoint the exact moment you played yourself.
1. Know yourself
Situationships, friends with benefits, cutty buddy whichever non committed relationship term you prefer isn’t for the faint hearted. You have to be secure in yourself and where you are in your particular stage in life to even consider this method of interaction. If you’re in a hurt and confused place (aka on the rebound), hit up my girl Iyanla Vanzant to fix your life.
In all seriousness, sometimes knowing yourself is knowing when to be solitary. Giving yourself the time to process feelings allows you to learn yourself. Honoring your internal cues opens the door for honest communication with yourself and others. It’s a disservice to allow anyone into your cluttered thought life. Take the time to learn you without needing someone else to fill a void. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Know yourself.
2. Let’s just be honest, let’s just be real
Let’s be honest, let’s be real, we ALL know the deal! You don’t actually want a vague pseudo romantic relationship. You’re a hopeless romantic thinking “savage” is your lifestyle. It’s not in your DNA to juggle multiple at a time. You’re also not the best communicator, so lying your way through this will cause more chaos than peace. Be real with yourself and the other person. Save everyone else subtweets and say what’s on your chest homie!
Whether you’re a Lawrence or a Tasha, honest communication is key in all branches of relationship. If you’re in “savage mode” or on a “hoe-tation,” clearly state that. On the opposite hand, if you’re really wanting exclusivity or a relationship don’t lie to yourself just to have a space filler. Which brings me back to #1, once we stop using the presence of others as a high to self-medicate our struggles of loneliness, insecurity, self-doubt, and lack of self-worth, we can then began the process of self-discovery.
It’s time we unpack what we’re actually saying when we choose to deny ourselves of our true desires and settle for the consolation prize. We are beings with inherent desires to form intimate bonds with others. Sex can only be casual for so long.
What is it that keeps us in a situationship we’d rather not be in?
Is it the fear of being alone longer than wanted?
Do we fear being alone with ourselves?
Are we afraid of the unhealthy baggage we might unpack if we’re alone for too long?
Maybe that’s exactly what we should be doing. Choosing self-discovery over irresponsibly filling our void with someone else. Trust, if you can’t and don’t want to deal with yourself, no one else will either. Regardless of which end of the situationship you’re in know yourself, be honest and real… Is this a healthy decision for you?